The existential dread of life after college

By Will Thorpe

My roommate graduated a semester early. I'm not quite sure how. Maybe cigarettes and beer have some sort of intelligence-boosting properties that big pharma and the government don’t want us to know about. All I know is that he still pays his share of the rent and we don’t have a sublet that just studied abroad and won’t shut up about it.

Ever since he graduated though, he’s been behaving differently. He gets out of bed before noon. He only has 5 beers on a weekday. He mopped our floor the other day. These changes could be interpreted in many ways. Maybe the mercury in the Syracuse tap water is finally catching up to him. Maybe a 5g tower was recently constructed nearby. The most troubling, unfortunately, seems to be the most likely culprit. Growing up. And Christ did hit him hard. The once brilliant spark in his eyes has disappeared. He really enjoys long walks. For the cherry on top, I think he might be going bald. 

These symptoms, combined with his lack of classes to go to, have resulted in him being our resident stay-at-home parent. It is terrifying. I love the cleaning and maintenance he does, don't get me wrong, but is this what graduating does to you? Do all your core personality traits get stripped from your soul? The degenerate business student I once knew, the one who eats nothing but hotdogs, the one who once got in a horrific drunk-scootering accident, where was he?  These questions only lead to others, and before you realize it, you are asking the one you really care about. What type of adult am I going to be?

There are some pretty horrible draws for what type you could get. You could be obsessed with laundry machines or be that lady on my strange addictions who loves to eat drywall. You could just be an all-around instant old man like my roommate. Hell, if you are really bad as a kid they might even make you become a Disney Adult. There are some good options too. Like being an old-car-guy. They know how to fix stuff, they have cool cars and I feel like it's a pretty solid option. Or you could be like a lawn-guy, that's not the best option but it's better than laundry machines.

I hope I get really into model trains. I feel like model-train people are really solid. I’ve never met one before but I feel like that says a lot about them. Not trying to push their niche hobby on anyone. Just tinkering silently in their unfinished basement or if they are really rich, their “train rooms”. I think they have train rooms but I still have another couple of months before adulthood so I’m not sure yet.

Sometimes being unsure is okay.